Today was hard

 Today was hard. 


Today was hard. 

You were in my mind. 

Not at the edges,

Not in the back. 


The details of your last weeks

Playing

And 

Overlaying

My thoughts


People who care

Showed up

Checked in

Hugged me tight. 


Not tight enough

To ring out the tears

Seeping up from within

Betraying my desolation 


Disconect

i cannot feel this

i  must not feel this

I DON'T WANT THIS!!! 


Apple pie made me cry

I don't remember how you 

Or if you changed the card

In your metal box

Green and yellow over white


That precious relic. 

You had your favorites memorized

I hope you wrote down your changes

I know you mostly didn't. 


Daddy missed you today. 

Your welcoming kitchen

With snacks for the boys

Instead they moved hay alone

The kitchen stayed dark. 


How am I doing? 

Uncertian

Unlabled

Void

That's how I am feeling. 


As long as I keep doing

Not stopping

Not feeling

Not revisiting


Then today won't be so hard. 

But today… 

Today said

It was time for hard

And my body listened. 







Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Firsts

Firsts are hardests Everyone warns you Trying to prepare  You For The Washing Sorrow Birthday Holiday Winter Spring Summer Fall Garden Phone call Puppies Pregnancy Birth All without An after Just Life Before is Past After is Now And now is beautiful Even Hearing your excitment Watching crinkles frame eyes alight and dancing Echos in my mind Unformed Indistinct This weight The After Wishing You Were Still Now First
Read more

Spring and Sorrow

I am both comforted and assailed  b y new waves of grief, when following the rhythms you taught me.  My hands warming the cool dirt Grit working under my nails Seeds pressed into their hopeful beginings And I wish I could call you Share my joy of spring Joy you danced to The only dance you knew The dance of the garden Of growth and renewal It seems cruel The season of new life Being my greatest reminder of you.  Now you are dead Burried beneath The soil you loved Daffodils and crocus  Dancing above.  “Why are you crying?”  My littlest has found me crying  in our garden.  Because gardening reminds me of Grandma.  “Why do you do it?  If it makes you sad?” Because she loved it.  And I like it.  I like to grow yummy food And plant in the dirt with my babies.  Because it reminds me of you.  And how you taught me  To grow in the dirt  And how healing each plot “The garden is my therapy”  You often remarked....
Read more

Momma, where are you?

  You are gone.  In the other room? Just beyond the space I am in now. Toddler boots thumping through your empty house, calling out, “Ma? … Ma?” Nolan's sweet persistent belief that if he was in your house you must be there. Unchanged by preparations to the contrary. Replaying in my mind, now, tinting the memory bittersweet. Is that what this is?  Believing that, in spite of what I have been told,  if I just call out in the right tone,  if I just walk into the next room fast enough,  I will find you again?  Crinkled smile reserved for children who had found you in your game? Joy personified welcoming me into your embrace. Laughter dancing in your eyes Resonate in your voice. Oh, Momma. I need to find you!!! Please be there waiting for me. Your house echoes without you. My heart is lonely without you. I will keep searching. Until I find you. In the curls at my brow, The age on the back of my hands, The joy of my child's embrace. And I will listen for yo...
Read more