Tangle of Thorns

One more Give us one more One more day One more hug One more laugh One more time.  Just one more Until there are no more For our moments Were numbered Before they start At first seeming Limitless Fathomless Endless Then  Precious Few Remain Each one a priceless grain. Until there are none No more smiles No more I love yous  No more sunrises  No more shared jokes No more selfies And no more is never enough. 

  The dates stare back at me From a screen And timelines  Align Clearly revealing The mosaic that previously Was loosely connected  Tiles Your grief was so fresh This fragile bomb Deep in your chest You keep mostly hidden Safe And I was expecting The easy connection And laughing eyes From years before Another layer to our growing Friendship I didn't understand Why I was excluded Why your eyes had “no trespass”  Clearly posted And I was kept at Arms length What had I done?  Why didn't you trust me?  But it wasn't me.  It was this bomb.  Bigger than both of us A new landscape You had just begun  To navigate But I persisted And persisted Tolerated Grudgeingly Tag-along Friend?  Maybe If I insisted  And now I see the dates On granite you visited My eyes are opened And empathy wells anew I am glad We persisted Because these layers Of years Bind us stronger Together Friends Family Forever

If I sleep in the recliner  Then I am not really sleeping  And if I'm not really sleeping Then there's a chance This has all been a strange dream And when I do get up You will be here Not gone Not forever It could all be A dream Like a couch nap When you are home sick from school And all the impossible  Gets jumbled up Mixed in your mind And you wake up Half certian the impossible was reality Until you hear Mom in the kitchin And the filiments of un-reality fall away And you are anchored In safety of home And family So maybe I will sleep in the chair Because then maybe I will wake up And this fever dream will fall away And I will hear you in the kitchen And you will be here. 

I am both comforted and assailed  b y new waves of grief, when following the rhythms you taught me.  My hands warming the cool dirt Grit working under my nails Seeds pressed into their hopeful beginings And I wish I could call you Share my joy of spring Joy you danced to The only dance you knew The dance of the garden Of growth and renewal It seems cruel The season of new life Being my greatest reminder of you.  Now you are dead Burried beneath The soil you loved Daffodils and crocus  Dancing above.  “Why are you crying?”  My littlest has found me crying  in our garden.  Because gardening reminds me of Grandma.  “Why do you do it?  If it makes you sad?” Because she loved it.  And I like it.  I like to grow yummy food And plant in the dirt with my babies.  Because it reminds me of you.  And how you taught me  To grow in the dirt  And how healing each plot “The garden is my therapy”  You often remarked....

 Undone When the ordinary Becomes irreplaceable And the tears come And the memory plays Last year was the first year I asked Mom to let me help Plan her annual garden Just in case I needed to step in For travel or sickness And now, That first time Has becime The last time. And this paper A link To her wisdom Her love Her And I Am Undone.

Written and posted to Facebook during the last week with Mom.  **Mom's lungs are failing and we have limited time left. I have struggled to articulate my feelings so far. Here is the beginning of the end. ** Holding hands crossing bridges I have walked this path before. By-stander Empathizer Trailing beside Holding hands Giving comfort Now, this is my bridge to cross. And I am not ready. Every touching hand Gentle hug Encouraging word Giving strength for the journey The land on the other side Darker Emptier Colder Save the ones already there. The land of the motherless Shifting ground Unanswered questions Unsent text Unmade calls Unshed tears waiting to follow Tracks of salt I do not want to cross But she is already crossing And I Must Follow As far as I can Little hands holding mine Following behind.