Tangle of Thorns

Written and posted to Facebook during the last week with Mom.  **Mom's lungs are failing and we have limited time left. I have struggled to articulate my feelings so far. Here is the beginning of the end. ** Holding hands crossing bridges I have walked this path before. By-stander Empathizer Trailing beside Holding hands Giving comfort Now, this is my bridge to cross. And I am not ready. Every touching hand Gentle hug Encouraging word Giving strength for the journey The land on the other side Darker Emptier Colder Save the ones already there. The land of the motherless Shifting ground Unanswered questions Unsent text Unmade calls Unshed tears waiting to follow Tracks of salt I do not want to cross But she is already crossing And I Must Follow As far as I can Little hands holding mine Following behind.

In the forrest A sapling sprouts Filtered sunlight Dripping rain Falls Far above A canopy Surrounded by Giants Tall and strong Weathered trunks Waver little In heavy winds Creaking Steady Protected, nourished Branches reaching Higher  Needing room Made for them In that canopy Closer Winds stronger Shifting branches Bending crowns Twisting trunks Age wearing Time telling Cracks showing Shattered trunks Splintered branches Giants falling Felling great swaths Tearing the canopy Sun and rain Pouring torrents I stand in this forrest My limbs quaking My heart shattered Bedrock reverberating With thunderous crash Watching as one by one My Giants Fall

  Time With You I asked you Once If you had ever Taken vacation Without us Just you and Dad.  Your answer was Fast Decisive No.  I asked you  Why?  You responded,  Because Your Daddy and I knew We wouldn't have you for long.  And there would be time  For travel Without you Once you had gone.  You didn't know That we would be The ones Who had time left To travel Without you.  Time Plenty of time To do To  travel To adventure After you are gone.  You were right.  Time is short.  Thank you For sharing your time I have no regrets Of my time Spent with you.

  Today was hard.  Today was hard.  You were in my mind.  Not at the edges, Not in the back.  The details of your last weeks Playing And  Overlaying My thoughts People who care Showed up Checked in Hugged me tight.  Not tight enough To ring out the tears Seeping up from within Betraying my desolation  Disconect i cannot feel this i  must not feel this I DON'T WANT THIS!!!  Apple pie made me cry I don't remember how you  Or if you changed the card In your metal box Green and yellow over white That precious relic.  You had your favorites memorized I hope you wrote down your changes I know you mostly didn't.  Daddy missed you today.  Your welcoming kitchen With snacks for the boys Instead they moved hay alone The kitchen stayed dark.  How am I doing?  Uncertian Unlabled Void That's how I am feeling.  As long as I keep doing Not stopping Not feeling Not revisiting Then today won't be so hard.  But toda...

  You are gone.  In the other room? Just beyond the space I am in now. Toddler boots thumping through your empty house, calling out, “Ma? … Ma?” Nolan's sweet persistent belief that if he was in your house you must be there. Unchanged by preparations to the contrary. Replaying in my mind, now, tinting the memory bittersweet. Is that what this is?  Believing that, in spite of what I have been told,  if I just call out in the right tone,  if I just walk into the next room fast enough,  I will find you again?  Crinkled smile reserved for children who had found you in your game? Joy personified welcoming me into your embrace. Laughter dancing in your eyes Resonate in your voice. Oh, Momma. I need to find you!!! Please be there waiting for me. Your house echoes without you. My heart is lonely without you. I will keep searching. Until I find you. In the curls at my brow, The age on the back of my hands, The joy of my child's embrace. And I will listen for yo...